Matt and Tai are NOT my characters. Whoever DID create them had to have been on something, they're so messed up. None of the other characters are in here, as it takes place when they're all around 21 or 22 (Tai is 21 and Matt is 22, figure out everyone else's age on your own). But the other characters may be mentioned (I have no idea, I haven't written it yet) so just in case they are Sora, Izzy, TK, Kari, Joe and Mimi... oh, and Gabumon and Agumon may be mentioned.... but I'm not sure... (as you can tell, I'm too lazy to write out the character's full names, but since it's taken just as much, probably more, effort to write the previous line, this line and the line I'm about to write, maybe I just should've written them out fully. Or maybe I just shouldn't have bothered to type up this pointless author's note... aw, screw it... ON TO THE FIC!!!!)

P.S: The official soundtrack to this fic is Savage Garden's first CD. Just listen to it carefully. Pretty well every song on that entire album describes the Matt-Tai relationship as it is here (all except 6, 7 and 11). 'Tears of Pearls', is now in my opinion, the Taito theme. ('Promises' does really well too!) Oh, and the official 'theme' of this fic is 'Thousand Words'.

Sometimes Yamato hated life. Really, truly with such a deep loathing he seriuosly considered killing himself, not because he was depressed, but simply because the world disgusted him. He could never figure out how to do it. Shoot himself in the temple, leaving his body with a hollowed skull lying in a puddle of his own blood on the kitchen floor? Too messy and common. No symbolism. Drug overdose? No, that would leave him looking like some kind of... well, druggie. It'd make it seem he had no control over the situation. Poisin? How would anyone even know it was suicide? Sure, it'd be stylish, but rather pointless. Yamato paused in his thoughts and brisk walk as he noticed he was strolling across a bridge. He strayed to the side and gazed over the edge. Should he jump? He quickly dismissed the idea. Too public. Hundreds of people would see his broken crumpled body laying on the jagged rock bed tommorow. A knife through the heart. Now THERE was symbolism. Seeing as Matt had been hurt and abandoned by everyone he had ever loved. Not that he'd loved that many people over his life time. Really truly loved, with his entire heart and soul.
The first person he always thought of was Takeru. His dear onii-chan, TK. He had cared more about the child than life itself. Having no purpose in his own life, Matt lived for him. When he was younger, before the DigiWorld, the only thing that kept him from taking his own life was the guilt he felt about leaving his brother alone. TK loved Matt just as much and never realized how much he hurt him when he began pushing him away all those years ago. As TK grew more independent and needed Matt less, it was almost like Yamato lost his one true purpose for existing.
Gabumon was the truest friend Matt would ever have. He didn't judge him, or ask more of him than he could give, he didn't pull him in fourteen different directions, or turn his back on him, or rip out his heart and chop it into pieces the size of rice. No, Gabumon, unlike everybody else simply asked Yamato to be... Yamato. He stood by him without question and brought him back to reality whenever he wavered on the road of life. But also, he understood, that while most people's roads are smooth with the occasional hill or shallow crack, Matt's was barely paved and filled with sinkholes as deep as the grand canyon and hills that were shaped more like mountains or roller coasters. He never hurt Matt in so or such terms. That would be like hurting himself. But he simply left. He went home after the rift between the worlds closed the second time. Gennai said the Digimon could stay without being erased, but Gabumon went home. Matt didn't blame him. He was actually the one to tell him to leave in the end. Gabumon would've stayed. Matt wanted him to stay, but he knew that was selfish, to keep him in a world entirely different than his, alienated from his own kind.
Then there was his parents. He never really got along with them that great in the first place, but when TK was born, they'd seemed to care about him even less. Then when they got divorced, no one even asked him what he thought, what he wanted to do. Did they care that Matt didn't want to get seperated from TK, or move away to a different school, or about how much he was hurting? Then, when they got back together, moving him away from Tokyo, the only city he had ever known and the most important people in his life... the other DigiDestined. They dissaproved of him taking up a musical career and him moving out when he was only seventeen. They gave him a hard time through the all of Junior High and High school before that as well. His marks weren't all that great and he fell in with the wrong crowd. They hated his new friends, but Matt always considered it their fault for taking him away from the best friends he'd ever had in his life. He couldn't count the times that while hanging with his new posse, even though he appeared to be having the time of his life on the outside, he was secretly longing for the other DigiDestined. Sora, Izzy, Kari, Joe, Mimi and... Tai...
Matt clenched his teeth as memories of the firery, passionate boy flooded from his sub-conciousness. He pushed them back. He really didn't want to think about Tai right now, He never wanted to think about Tai. Ever. Loving Taichi Kamiya had perhaps been the most emotionally wracking thing Matt had ever been put through. And he had forced himself through it. Simply because he loved him. Enough to still remember him after seven years.
With what had happened in the DigiWorld that night. It was a 'mistake', yet led to other 'mistakes'. They were only twelve, but what they had was some sort of twisted love affair that hurt the two of them more than fufilled the need for love, but something kept them coming back to the same place time and time again. When Matt had suggested they stay in the DigiWorld for the rest of summer vacation after defeating Kimeramon, he had wanted the time to figure things out, and four weeks, DigiTime a hundred ten years, would be plenty of time to do that. He noticed Tai had jumped at his suggestion and knew by the boy's nervous glance at him, he was thinking the same thing. But since things didn't work out like they should've, the two hadn't spoken a breath of it to each other. Things had become different. To the casual observer the two were still close friends, but to them it was more like on those bad sitcoms, when a couple that had broken up years ago talked. Akward, akward and yet more akward.
Of course Tai had come to see Matt before he moved. With the others and personally. This could've been it. When the two could actually have a good talk about what had happened between them in the DigiWorld. But instead, Matt blew it. It had been a fight, maybe the worst fight they'd ever had, dispite the fact it didn't come to fists. He'd said some things to Taichi that he really didn't mean, and Taichi had said...... Matt pushed back stinging tears, refusing to cry over Tai. He wasn't worth it. He'd already cried over him. He'd cried over him for seven years, whenever his thoughts turned to the good days. But none of that mattered now. Taichi had sealed the deal by saying he was glad Matt was moving... followed by some other nasty things... followed by stating that he hated the older boy... Matt placed his face in his gloved hands, and found them stained. He was crying. Sobbing uncontroably. He wiped his eyes, but the tears kept flowing and the leather just irritated his sinuses. He never knew why he wore the stuff if he was so allergic to it.
Matt, upon moving to the post-nuclear hit Nagasaki, discovered he was indeed not gay. It surprised him, since he had always, sub-conciously at least, figured he was. But without Tai around, Matt became quite aware of his hormones. He was never a player. With his looks, he could've been, but he always seemed to be able to root out the special girls who'd he'd date for months, in a few cases, a couple years, before they broke up over some stupid trivial thing or just decided it wasn't working out. And he wasn't Bi either. He had never found himself attracted to another guy. Ever. That's super models, movie stars and the occasional Tai look-a-like included.
Even though all of his girlfriends had been stunning and sweet and had him wrapped around their little finger, none had ever provided that feeling of completeness he found in Tai and even though a few of them had a touch that would send shivers through his body, he never again felt that chilly shudder of longing and need that even the thought of Tai's touch sent up his spine. Not that he had ever compared any of them to Tai. That would be pointless. Like trying to decide what tasted better, sugar or salt. Tai. of course, being salt. Matt also found himself bored in safe, steady relationships. He felt comforted and happy in them, but it was always as if he were missing something. Sometimes looking back on his relationship with Tai made him wonder if he LIKED the torture the other boy had put him through. He began to question many things about himself, including his sanity. But most times when he thought of Tai, he cried.
Like he was now.
Matt hated to cry.
He hated it because it made him feel weak.
But right now, it made him feel good.

It was nearly two-o-clock in the morning and a slight drizzle had begun to fall that promised to soon turn to a downpour. The young business man was already late, cursing himself for taking so long on that personal visit. Now he was going to be late and probably miss his train. Then he'd be late for his meeting tommorow, which would make him late for his lunch with a friend, which would make him late for his afternoon meeting which would make him late leaving the office which would make him late for his date which would be a real shame because things were going really well with this girl and she was H-O-T.
It was raining harder now. He hurried across the wide, rickety wooden bridge, completely absorbed in his own thoughts when he heard the mangled sobbing noise coming from near the edge. He stopped walking and strained his eyes in the pitch black, rain dotted night and eventually spotted the thin figure leaning on the railing. He was blonde and wearing a long, tattered, black trench-coat. He was bent over the edge... crying.
For some reason, the business man felt compeled to go over to the other. Half curiosity, half something he wasn't sure of. He placed a hand on the thin man's shoulder. His shoulder muscels instantly tensed under his touch. A familiar tense. And the man's tear-streaked face shot up.

Matt felt the hand on his shoulder. A familiar touch, almost, if touch could be familiar. He looked up at the source of the hand and nearly reeled back in surprise, fear and every form of a heart-attack, but no matter how many things he told himself in those point-three seconds he still found himself staring into two sickeningly familiar amber eyes. No not sickeningly familiar... heart-breakingly familiar.
He barely dared to breathe as he let the whisper escape his lips. "Tai... Taichi?"

The young business man himself was dealing with the shock of seeing once again the beautiful face and icy, azure irises of Yamato Ishida. A beautiful face that he hadn't seen for seven years, but hadn't changed in the slightest "Matt..." he whispered "Yamato..."
The two just stood frozen like that, unsure of what to do, Tai's hand on Matt's shoulder, Matt hunched over the rail his head raised slightly, the sets of icy sapphire and firery amber locked in a gaze that was half longing and half horror. If one were to pass by, the two were so still and silent, it could be sworn they were statues. Or a statue.
It was more than eight minutes passed when Tai made the first move. His lifted his hand to wipe away the tears that still dotted Matt's cheeks. It was futile of course, the rain soaking his face seconds after.
"What are you doing standing out here in the rain?" He asked softly.
Matt's expression twisted a moment, then became unreadable "Why do you care?" he wondered harshly as he pulled away from Tai's hand. Tai inwardly shook his head and sighed in exasperation. Matt was exactly the same as he was seven years ago... except it seemed to take him exactly point-two seconds longer to get his emotions under control than it did. "Why wouldn't I care? You were looking over the side of that bridge with a gaze that was positivly suicidal."
Matt shrugged "Once again, why do you care?"
"Because it's not worth it." Tai began "You have more style than that. If you're gonna kill yourself you should at least do it in private. Give yourself a little more dignaty."
Matt's face fell "Yeah... that's what I was thinking too... maybe with a knife..."
"I was joking."
"I know. I was too."
There was a long pause of akward silence. Tai noticed that the rain was coming down considerably harder by the minute. He reached out for Matt's arm.
"C'mon Matt, I'd better get you out of this rain..."
Matt jerked his arm away "No."
"You're gonna get sick."
"You sound like my mom."
"Your mom?"
"Okay, fine, you sound like your mom. Just leave me... I... I need to think... and I like the rain."
"You aren't really thinking about doing it, are you?" Tai was beginning to worry.
"Of course I am." Matt leaned miserably over the edge again "I think about doing it every day."
"Yamato...."
Matt shook his head "It's not worth your time. Just go."
"No."
"Funny, I thought you hated me."
Tai opened his mouth to object, but bit his lip, intelligently deciding not to say anything.
Matt looked up "Hmmm..."
"That was seven years ago." Tai said quitely.
"Yeah, but it was the last thing you had said to me. Ever. Before this."
Tai looked down. "I... I was sorry..."
Matt stood away from the railing "Really, you were sorry? Then why didn't you say so? Why did you let me live with the pain for seven years? I thought I meant something to you!?"
"Hey, wait, you did mean something to me! I tried to apologize, but it wasn't that easy. You hurt me too. Or do you not remeber half the nasty things you shouted at me that day. I don't even care to repeat most of them."
Matt's azure eyes narrowed at Tai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Flashback (about time!)~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I... I was sorry..."
"Yeah, sorry, that's just why you let it sit like this for three years! I though I ment something to you!"
"You did... I mean you do... I..."
Matt waved a hand in dismission "Just go."
"No."
"Frig Tai, don't make this worse than it already is."
"Yama, I didn't want it this bad!"
"Well, it didn't turn out that way, did it? Now, just... go. I can't stand to look at you any more."
Tai stood horrifyed in the doorway of the empty Ishida home "M... Matt."
Matt's fierce eyes held no fogivness.
Tai clenched his fists and turned to leave, but suddenly spun back "Y'know what! I'm glad you're moving! Then I don't have to see you or listen to you make everything out to be all my fault all the time. It's gonna be so easy without you." Tai thought a moment, Matt could see the tears welling in his eyes, hear the pain in his voice "Yamato Ishida, you're an insensitive prick! You hear that!? A fucking insensitive prick! And you know what else, I don't care anymore. Maybe I did, but now I don't because... I... I..." Tai bit his lip "I hate YOU!" Tai turned and ran out the door, his tears streaming behind him leaving Yamato alone a broken soul.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"All we've done is walk in a circle. A big, fucking, seven year circle." Matt shook his head and once again leaned on the edge railing, staring out into the inky night and savouring the pure miserableness of having the dounpour of heavy rain that fell from the sky cascading down on him.
Tai stared at him a moment, then leaned on the railing beside him. "Why are you even here?" Matt asked after a long couple of minutes.
"Are you accepting my presence?"
"Just answer my question!" he snapped.
"Business trip."
"Dad's business?"
"I inherited it."
"Already?"
"He died last year."
Matt looked at him shocked and saw the sadness passing through Tai's dark eyes. "I... I'm sorry..." he made an unconcious movement to take Tai's hand, but pulled himself back. Tai looked at Matt's twitched hand, then grabbed it. Matt glanced at him in surprise, but seeing the hardly contained greif in the other's features, just squeezed. "I... I assumed you knew... I mean, TK and Kari being married and all..."
Surprise flashed in Matt's mind "What?"
Tai raised an eyebrow "You didn't know, they eloped last year..."
"I don't really talk to TK any more... aren't they kinda... young...?"
"Well, they said something like 'when you know it's right'..."
"Wait a second..." Matt's mind raced furiously "That would make you and me..." Matt ripped his hand from Tai's and just stared in disbelief.
Tai smiled slightly "Sort of... I suppose." He moved closer "But what you and I had was long before they even knew each other..."
Matt could feel his heart begin to pound faster and a familiar chill shuddered up his spine "Tai... I... uh..." he wasn't sure what to say "We can't..."
"Ssssh..." Tai put his finger to Matt's lips, then pulled the taller man's face towards his.
"Tai... this..." Matt frantically searched his mind for objections, but he couldn't the truth was, he wanted this. His body shivered with anticipation and eventually his mind just gave up and he fell into Tai's passionate kiss, melting as the younger man wrapped his arms tightly around his waist. The feeling set every nerve in Yamato's body on fire as he intwined his own arms around Taichi's body, one rubbing through his shorter, but still uncontrolled hair and the other clenched tightly around his back pulling him even closer. As he leaned further into the kiss he felt Tai's eyelashes brush against his eyelids, tickling him, making him want to laugh if his tounge were not wirled around with the other's. It had been ten years since they had kissed. They had been nothing more than stupid kids fighting a war that was too big for them. But somewhere in that chaos they had recognized whatever it was this feeling they felt for each other and now, ten years later, this kiss was frought with the passion and fervour of adulthood as well as the buried and built up longing of their seven years apart.
Finally, they broke apart, gasping for breath.
"W... what was that?"
"I don't know, but you enjoyed it."
Matt felt complete again. For the first time in years. The thick sheet of rain falling around them didn't matter, as long as he was in Taichi's embrace everything was alright. He sunk to the ground in an exaugsted heap, forgetting himself and closing his eyes. He wanted to sleep. Tai dropped to his knees, still holding him.
"Haiboku Enjeru." he whispered, barely audible over the pounding rain.
"Why do you always call me that?" Matt whispered back.
"Because, you're my Fallen Angel."
"I'm not an angel."
"You're pure natured, but you drown in your own pool of self hatred. You're beautiful face holds too much bitterness for you."
Matt heaved a heavy sigh. Nothing could completely heal the emotional scars he had suffered since moving to Nagasaki, but this came close enough. Matt wanted to sleep, just here contentedly in the arms of someone he loved. No, the ONE person he had ever loved in this way, he rested his head on Tai's chest and began to drift off when Tai whispered again in his ear.
"Come Koibito, don't fall asleep."
"Why?"
"We must look pretty silly, collapsed in the middle of a bridge like this, ne? During a rainstorm too!"
"I don't care." Yamato snuggled closer into his chest.
Tai was beginning to regret all this. He knew this couldn't be. It could never be. He wanted it. Sometimes he thought he wanted Yamato more than life itself. Just to be here like this. He couldn't explain it, but he knew it was wrong. Not because they were both male, but because he had realized they couldn't help but to hurt each other. It was just the nature of their relationship.
Damn Tai scolded himself angrily You idiot. You baka. You have a talent for making things worse don't you. Being on business in the city where he lived was bad enough. Going to see his brother. Also bad. Who cares if your sister is married to him, you know you went partially because you wanted to see where he lived. So dissapointed he didn't know. You make an effort to pass through the neighbourhood TK said he was last. And then running into him! Why did you kiss him! Why the hell did you kiss him! BAKA! And now, you have to leave. Never mind if he hated you before, he will now that you break his heart like this for the third time. Why do you not think before you do things!? You knew it couldn't be, so why didn't you just leave him alone?
Tai shook Matt "Matt? Yama? Come on. You've been out in the rain longer than me. We need to get you dried up."
Matt nooded. Tai realized he was nearly asleep.
"Where do you live?"
"23... Ruraki ave...... just about five blocks down left from the bridge... number... 13... first floor..."
Tai nodded and began to stand up, but Matt obviously, was too out of it. Tai sighed "Am I going to have to carry you?"
Matt didn't answer. Tai gazed at his softly sleeping beautiful face, looking for the first time in years... happy. Not only that, but the bitterness he had held for so long was erased and he looked like a child. Tai slipped an arm beneath Matt's knees and the other around his shoulders and lifted the other man off the ground with ease. Tai was surprised at how thin and light Matt's body felt, especially since Matt was still a good three quaters of a head taller than him. Almost as if he were completely bone. Tai looked down at him worriedly as he carried him through the rain-soaked streets, not even noticing the occasional passer bys eyeing him strangely.

Tai had somehow managed to dig through Matt's coat pocket for the apartment keys and not drop the comatose body, but once the door to Matt's apartment creaked open, Tai nearly did.
"Oh Matt..." he whispered. The apartment didn't have any carpet, or even painted walls. It was just a big concrete room with a raggy couch with a pillow and thin sheet in the corner. There was a tiny, bar-fridge that Tai would bet was empty, a crude coffee table with Matt's beloved guitar packed neatly and lovingly away, no TV, but a bookshelf full of old, but classic, books and a cheap, oil stove. Tai took another quick scan of the scarce living quaters to locate a bathroom (A/NWe don't need to go into detail, bathrooms are a private thing, but if you're wondering there's a toilet, a sink and a stand up shower... and no window you pervert!) and a closed door beside it. Tai made his way to the couch and layed Matt down lovingly, covering with his sheet and trenchcoat. He then made his way over to the closed door. He turned the knob to find it locked from the inside. He fiddeled with it violently for a few seconds until the poorly built lock broke and the door swung open to reveal a furnished room that looked strangely familiar. It was Matt's stuff. All his stuff, alot of it he had had since Tai knew him. A bed with comforter and pillows, a dresser full of clothing, a mirrior, a brush, gel. Tai opened the closet to find pretty much everything Matt had taken with him when he moved out from his parents. Skates, books, a small TV, extra clothing... odd things like that. Tai's attention turned once again to the dresser where a framed picture suddenly stood out like the color neon pink.
Tai picked it up and examined it. It was a picture of... them... the DigiDestined. They were all there... and the Digimon. Gabumon, Agumon, Tento, Biyo, Patamon... Gennai, Ogremon, Centuramon, Unimon, Fridgemon and several others were present as well. Tai immeditly recognized the picture. It was the picture taken at primary village the day they defeated Kimeramon.
"Oh god Matt..." Tai muttered, unable to say anything else.
Something was definitely going on with Matt, Tai wasn't sure what, but as he exited the furnished room, he closed the door again deciding Matt would face whatverer was in there soon enough. He kneeled beside the couch and looked at the sleeping Yamato's contented face. He looked so childish and innocent. My Haiboku Enjeur. Tai smiled as he stood, but as he did, a glint caught his eye. He turned to the coffee table and noticed the knife for the first time. Tai picked it up and examined it in horror. It wasn't the kind of knife one used for cooking, he realized, it was a knife knife. Then Tai remembered Matt's words earlier that night 'Yeah, that's what I was thinking... maybe with a knife...'
He couldn't have actually been considering... Tai glanced at Matt, then the surroundings. Anything was possible. He stormed into the back room again, intending to hide the knife, but then, something else caught his eyes. Another glint... it was Matt's harmonica. Tai grabbed the small, silver instrument and caressed it with great intrest. He had never actually touched the sacred harmonica before, as 'close' as he and Matt had become. Suddenly, Tai opened a bottom dawer on the dresser and dropped the kinfe in. He took the harmonica with him and put it in place of the knife on Matt's coffee table. If Matt really wanted to commit suicide that bad, he'd do it anyways, Tai decided to give a choice. With a choice, maybe there was a chance.
Tai pulled his coat back on and headed for the door, but his eyes accidently wandered to Yamato's unconcious form. Tai kneeled by him again, debating what to do. If he left now, he could still get the four-o-clock train back to Odibah......................
You have to go... he told himself sternly.
"You're gonna hate me again... even more..." Tai whispered.
Leave! He leaned over and kissed Matt's lips softly, then stood. He looked at the door.
Baka. Forget him. It can't be done. It's impossible. So he'll hate you. That's a sacrifice you have to make.
Tai nodded in silent agreement with himself. He couldn't leave Yamato like this, but he had to. Maybe he'd call Takeru in the morning and tell him where Matt was living.
He stepped through the doorway, and with a pain greater than he'd ever felt before and shut it, servering all ties he'd ever had and ever would have with Yamato Ishida.
Except, of course... the emotional one...

THE END

Okay, I know that was depressing (not to mention cheeeeeeeeeesy) but, hey, it WOULD never work out, right? I mean, I could write this fic with a happy ending where Tai stays and everything... but really, could you see Matt and Tai as a 'happy couple'? Sorry, but I can't. N-e-wayz, they're the tragic romance of the DigiDestined!
"I'm not going insnae in a sane world... I'm going sane in an insane world!"-My Philosophy
Arigatou and Gomen,
Thank e' me DigiLovin' ppls
Izzy Girl ;0 >:) O:) >:( ='o'=